23. Letting Feelings Be.

I am often someone who runs away from feelings. When I feel an uncomfortable feeling (shame, fear, sadness, pain, hurt, loss) I want to shut it down and “do” my way out. I cope by going for a walk, working out, doing something “productive”. While these coping mechanisms certainly make me feel better, like I am putting the bad behind me, I have recently realized how much this shoves down my feelings. While it certainly makes me feel better in the moment, not letting what I am feeling process does not allow my body to associate with the feelings, grow from them, see them, feel them. It puts me in a stage of fight or flight, naming the “bad” emotion as something to run from.

Today, however, I woke up feeling off. Throughout the day a ton of feelings came up. Thoughts I have squelched day after day, tears I have not cried. I found myself in my car crying to This is Me Trying by Taylor Swift and didn’t even know why, but I just let it. As a logical person, I often want a reason to feel. Today, I felt icky all day, sad, hurt. I just let myself feel. I called my mom, cried to Taylor, tried to be there for myself. It was very uncomfortable for me, but it made me turn to God, to ask him “Lord what are you trying to show me? Where in my life are you calling me to change to see things differently?”. I trust that these feelings are clearing for greatness to replace them. I am proud of myself for leaving space for the uncomfortable and re-labeling the hard feelings as messengers, not matters to run from.